In which I become a cheerleader...

Oh how I hate money.  It's a dream of mine to just be able to hand everything to do with money to someone else and say "YOU deal with it".   I get freaked out every time I have to do anything with mine - paying bills, looking up the bank balances, even doing this new budget thing.  It all makes me feel hopeless and helpless.

But, its not enough anymore to just say "I'm bad with money"  or  "I'm stupid about money".   I think my issues with handling my finances come from a lifetime of being told how terrible and stupid I am with my money. That the choices I make with my money are frivolous and dumb.

In looking back at my lifetime of earning, all i can see is how I was never encouraged to think about what "I" wanted to do with my funds but what the "right" thing to do was.  I was told to save it all.  Never spend it.  And if I spent it, I was told it was on the wrong things.   I've had income since I was about 9 and started babysitting.  I had my first actual paycheck when I was 13 and got a work permit.  My history is long with feeling out of control over my finances and being told that I was stupid and a spendthrift.  Because, clearly, wanting the new Duran Duran tape is a completely stupid thing for a 13 year old.

I'm trying to rewrite this little script in my head these days.  To remind myself that I am paying my bills and beginning to see where I spend my cash and that these are GOOD things.   I am seeing where I can cut back on things and rein myself in a bit - not because I'm STUPID but because there are other things I'd like to do with my money.  (Which are also not stupid.)

I stopped updating my budget software last week and now I have to catch that up tonight.  Ugh.  It makes me want to vomit because I've gone over in one area of the budget.  But, honestly, what does that actually mean?

It means, that by keeping track of my spending for a measely TWO WEEKS I have seen how I "normally" do things.  And I can see that my normal mode of operation really isn't working out.  I can see how easily that can be remedied, and actually plan better for the next two weeks.  I can even see how, in a very short while, I will be able to arrange things so that most of the bills are paid from one paycheck and the next one can be used for other things.   I can see that I actually DO have enough money.

All of these things are not the actions and reactions of a stupid person, they are the actions of a person who is learning. It's so hard to be my own cheerleader on these things when I'm much more prone to being my own shit-talker.  So, I've written my own little money-stuff cheer to say to myself when I'm updating my software or making money decisions:

Miss B is smart!
Miss B is thrifty!
She can save!
She is so spiffy!

Miss B is awesome!
Miss B is great!
She'll pay all the bills
And never be late!

Miss B loves shoes!
Miss B loves to shop!
She buys good stuff
but knows when to stop!

Okay, its not the best cheer ever written but hey, its better than nothing.  And I always wanted to be a cheerleader - those poms are really pretty cool....

"Would you call your best friend an idiot or a dummy on a regular basis? Would they let you? Chances are not, on both counts. So why do you do it to yourself?

We feed ourselves a diet of negative self-talk such as “I’m an idiot,” or “I’m such a klutz” or my favorite “I’m too stupid to live” and then wonder why we lack self-confidence and self-belief."

-Helena Ritchie

Warm and Fuzzy

Last night was the first rehearsal for our CUUPs group's upcoming ritual.

Yeah, we rehearse.  It's not like its scripted and there are things to be memorized, but this way we know when the transitions are and who will be doing what.  And it gives us a chance to get feedback on how our particular things went and if we should make a change.

Overall, I think rehearsing will give us a more cohesive ritual.  And a more powerful one.

Not that I don't think there isn't something equally powerful about a completely spontaneous and unrehearsed ritual.  The last one we did at Samhain was like that and it was a very good evening and everyone really got something out of it.

I think though, that this gives us time to prepare ourselves.  And a few "mini-rituals" to really feel our way into our parts.

I am so pleased that this part of my life is filling up again.  My spiritual life is important to me and I don't make nearly enough time for it.  Being alone in my practice for so long I get lazy and don't do the "whole thing" anymore.  It's more simple - a prayer while stirring up dinner, thoughts and thank yous before falling asleep - that sort of thing.   So it felt really good to be in ritual again - even this little "mini-ritual" - with others.

Just feeling warm and fuzzy that my spiritual health is on the upswing too.

Beginning

One word can have so very many meanings. I aim to muse here on all the meanings of the word "health", not just the obvious meaning of physical health. To me, health extends into every single aspect of my life as I think about it: mental health, physical health, relationship health, money health, house health....everything.

So much to try and do!!

 Knowing that I have a tendency to get REALLY overwhelmed, I have decided to really focus on two aspects while still keeping a weather eye on all the other bits and bobs:  money health and physical health.

Both of these make me absolutely nauseated every time I think about them. They are the two areas of my life I would love to completely ignore and have disappear completely so that I would never have to worry about them again.

Yes. I am an ostrich.

Yet, I really do want to have a better relationship with both these things. I want to no longer be afraid to look at my bank balance and I want to no longer be afraid to look in the mirror. I am, honestly, not a person who runs from things. I might let things go until they are a giant mess, but I won't run from it. When the time comes, I'll pony up and deal with it.

Well, that time has come.

I have joined a group training class that starts in two weeks. Ten people, one personal trainer and 8 weeks. She has been running these groups for a while and takes into account all aspects of physical health - including one's relationship with food. I'm thinking that it will be fun - insanely fucking hard work - but fun. My two goals for this are to be in the habit of regular exercise and to be able to do 25 pushups. I can't do one right now and gods know I don't work out regularly.

No scale goals. Those are not allowed in my world anymore. They are very triggering for me and lead to depression, binge eating and self hatred. Yay for disordered eating!

I am also switching back to eating Paleo. I felt SO GOOD when I ate that way. Right now, I am at the "one meal a day" is strict Paleo. This week, I will transition to two meals a day on Paleo. Many people just go 100% right from the get go, but that kinda triggers my "I MUST BE PERFECT AT ALL TIMES" issues so, I ease in. Either way, I'm still eating much better than before as I am doing all my own cooking and using fresh foods and not processed stuff or fast food all the time.

I know I have to still fight my demons with this. But if Health is to be my word, I can't ignore this big part of my life that it does need to apply to.

 As to the money, I am facing up to my shortcomings there and figuring out what to do about it. I make PLENTY of money to live on, I just never seem to have any. Apparently, when you don't pay attention to these things, you can just lose track of where money goes and what you spent it on. Crazy!!!

I've found a great budgeting software that works for me. At long last the whole idea of how to manage money is making SENSE. I know, it's not rocket science and I'm a smart girl but I have never, ever, in 40 years grokked the idea of a checkbook and how to balance it and how to pay things without getting overdrawn. I KNOW! Insanity. My first hubby wasn't great at it either.

 But finally, this concept is revealing itself to me with the help of YNAB . They aren't paying me anything to say this - hell, they probably don't know I exist - but I just love their product and the people I have spoken to. The thing isn't that they have this great software (they do) or that its a one time purchase with no charges for upgrades (it is!) or that the price is great (it REALLY is!) but its that they freaking TEACH you the method. For. Free. Honest to Gods. You don't even have to buy the software and they teach you the method. YOU could do it on paper or in Excel if you wanted. They just honestly want you help you manage your money. Amazing.

And I promise you, if I can understand this, ANY. ONE. CAN. I can see how there will, at some point, be light at the end of the tunnel that isn't a pack of creditors coming for me with torches. Already, I feel better, simply just for knowing what's going on.

I guess the point is that I'm gearing up. Girding my loins. Gathering my tools. Setting some goals for my year. It's exciting, isn't it? The fresh possibilities that exist with beginnings are so small and pink and new in my hands. I can't wait to see what they will grow into with love and nurturing....

"In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's mind there are few"

-Shunryu Suzuki

The Password is: Health

It's a new year, so I've a new spot (in actuality an old spot that I've decided to occupy again) on the weird and wonderful internetz.

I've felt like writing again for a long time but finally have figured out just what I want to write about.  Okay, not that anyone needs an actual topic to run a blog on the internet but it kind of helps to have a bit more of a theme than "I feel like writing."

SO!

Three things contributed to the finding of this topic.

Thing the first:  I have always hated making New Year's resolutions.  They have always been a way for me to focus on how much I am failing at them.  I know, that sounds like so much fun I'm sure you can't believe that I don't enjoy it!
However, I mentioned to the fabulous boyfriend, STAG, that I really actually DO need to make some changes in my life and after discussing how angsty making these particular changes always makes me and how many times I've tried and not gotten to my desired result, he asks me if I've ever tried to work spiritually with these goals as well as in everyday life.

Well.  NO.

And isn't THAT just a brilliant idea!

You now know some of why I love this man so.

Soon after that I saw a "thing" floating around on a particular social network we all love to hate that instead of a specific resolution like "I resolve to get the oil changed in my car on time for all of 2012" one merely chooses a word like "maintenance".  And then one can simply apply that to one's life in any way one chooses for the year, including car maintenance.

The third thing happened while working with some of my dearest witchy friends on the local CUUPs group (Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans).  We decided that this year, we were going to have an overarching theme for all of our rituals:  How Will You Weave Your Year?

And WHAMMO!  It all coalesced for me.  Thankfully, by the time the third thing happened I was already aware that the Multiverse was conspiring against me and was on the lookout for the smack upside the head so I was able to roll with it.

Here I am, then, with my word and my spiritual direction for weaving my year and my wee blog to talk about how that weaving is going and how that word is applying itself to me and my life.  I hope y'all enjoy the journey with me.  And, feel free to pick your own word and see what you can weave this year.  :)

"We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched.  Maybe this year, to balance the list, we outhg to walk through the rooms of our lives...not looking for flaws, but for potential"

-Ellen Goodman